What do you see?

Found this video and thought it to be extremely cool. Good timing and made me feel better about life :) No clue how he did this, but I like it. Just a reminder for the forgetful, remember to turn off the music player on the right. Also, full screen mode is recommended. Hehe.

Reality of Mine

It seems I felt a need to do a little inner self exploration and a lot of self-bashing. If you prefer not to read someone else's negative self talk and profanity, just don't read this post. Have a lovely day.

Somehow I find myself experiencing a great self-loathing at this moment. And for some reason, it seems I feel the need to share that feeling of self-loathing with the "world".

The problem I seem to be facing is that I've devoloped the incredible gift of "bullshitting". Lately, my life seems to have been fueled by a continual addiction to self improvement. I've spent much of the last year and a half in a very selfish place. I've burned myself out on "self help" books. I've tried to understand the universe and everything in it. I've even convinced myself that I've created my universe and everything in it. I've tried so hard to "fix" myself that I've fucked up almost every other aspect of my life.

I can't be honest with anyone, including myself. Part of the reason for the bullshit and lack of honesty is simply because I don't know what the truth is. Somehow I think if I continually look within, I'll eventually "find" myself. Because I don't know who I am or what I'm really about or what I really want, I simply bullshit my way through it. I come up with a new project and a new way to work on myself. I tell myself "This is what I want and who I want to be." Only to wake up the next day or week or month or year realizing two things: 1) I'm not anywhere close to being on that path I'd previously chosen for myself. 2) I've once again morphed into a completely different person and don't want to be on that path anymore. And my life changes all over again. Every time I tell other people or myself I want to change or be someone or something else it's always true. At least at that time. Hence the bullshit. Towards myself and any other person dragged into my drama.

My perpetual self-loathing is driven by the fact that I don't ever think of anyone besides myself. My primary thought in any action I take always seems to be "How will this affect me?" or "How can I gain from this particular situation?" I'm sorry.

I have an incredible desire to be there for others, but where does it come from? Most of the time, I think it's simply so I can be the fucking "hero". It seems I only like to help others so I can receive further self-fulfillment through the praise of those around me. I like to get attention. Way more than I like to give it. The rediculous part about my desire to be there for others is the fact that I continually fail at "being there" for the most important person in my life because I always seem to be focused on being there for everyone else, no matter how fake I have to be, just so I can receive my fulfillment.

I withhold opinions. This is done for one or both of two reasons: 1) I tend to allow others to do the thinking for me and don't ever allow myself to think and have an opinion unless I've stolen it from someone else's free thinking. 2) I don't allow myself to be "myself". I cater my opinions based on those around me. This is why most of my family may never know me. I don't think I'll ever be able to have a fully honest conversation with most of my family because I will always have to adjust my language and voiced opinions in a manner that is "non-offensive". I don't enjoy offending others. This is in large part why I flat out avoid it.

I don't really know why I'm typing this and can't really even tell if it feels good to release these thoughts. I don't even know if all these thoughts are really even mine. I should be sleeping. I was extremely tired. Now, who knows.

I find that I become uncontrollably tired during situations in which full communication is required. I will literally fall asleep while standing or sitting up. My eyes become so dry and so heavy that it becomes fully impossible to keep them open. My mind shuts down. My body shuts down. Most of the time these times involve a conversation about someone besides myself. Do other people just bore me? The way to wake myself up- change the subject. To something about me. How sick is that? Am I really that self-obsessed? It would appear so.

I've recently made one of the biggest decisions of my life and it seems I can do nothing but put up road blocks for myself. I start to move in the right direction, then I resist. Sometimes it seems completely within my control and entirely my choice to do such a thing and other times it seems I subconsciously create situations. I am the greatest inhibitor of my growth and forward progression. I like to see myself as fully committed to my cause, but I can't think of the last time I fully committed to anything and succeeded. I would like to be an entrepreneur and an artist and a writer and a web designer and a graphic design and a professional skier and a musician and a world traveler and the list goes on and on, but I haven't fully succeeded in any of those things. I'm starting to lose faith in myself.

I don't think I'm looking for pity or advice here. I think I'm hoping that by releasing my bullshit into physical form, I will free it from within and move on, but who knows. Maybe I'm just stirring the pot.