It seems I felt a need to do a little inner self exploration and a lot of self-bashing. If you prefer not to read someone else's negative self talk and profanity, just don't read this post. Have a lovely day.
Somehow I find myself experiencing a great self-loathing at this moment. And for some reason, it seems I feel the need to share that feeling of self-loathing with the "world".
The problem I seem to be facing is that I've devoloped the incredible gift of "bullshitting". Lately, my life seems to have been fueled by a continual addiction to self improvement. I've spent much of the last year and a half in a very selfish place. I've burned myself out on "self help" books. I've tried to understand the universe and everything in it. I've even convinced myself that I've created my universe and everything in it. I've tried so hard to "fix" myself that I've fucked up almost every other aspect of my life.
I can't be honest with anyone, including myself. Part of the reason for the bullshit and lack of honesty is simply because I don't know what the truth is. Somehow I think if I continually look within, I'll eventually "find" myself. Because I don't know who I am or what I'm really about or what I really want, I simply bullshit my way through it. I come up with a new project and a new way to work on myself. I tell myself "This is what I want and who I want to be." Only to wake up the next day or week or month or year realizing two things: 1) I'm not anywhere close to being on that path I'd previously chosen for myself. 2) I've once again morphed into a completely different person and don't want to be on that path anymore. And my life changes all over again. Every time I tell other people or myself I want to change or be someone or something else it's always true. At least at that time. Hence the bullshit. Towards myself and any other person dragged into my drama.
My perpetual self-loathing is driven by the fact that I don't ever think of anyone besides myself. My primary thought in any action I take always seems to be "How will this affect me?" or "How can I gain from this particular situation?" I'm sorry.
I have an incredible desire to be there for others, but where does it come from? Most of the time, I think it's simply so I can be the fucking "hero". It seems I only like to help others so I can receive further self-fulfillment through the praise of those around me. I like to get attention. Way more than I like to give it. The rediculous part about my desire to be there for others is the fact that I continually fail at "being there" for the most important person in my life because I always seem to be focused on being there for everyone else, no matter how fake I have to be, just so I can receive my fulfillment.
I withhold opinions. This is done for one or both of two reasons: 1) I tend to allow others to do the thinking for me and don't ever allow myself to think and have an opinion unless I've stolen it from someone else's free thinking. 2) I don't allow myself to be "myself". I cater my opinions based on those around me. This is why most of my family may never know me. I don't think I'll ever be able to have a fully honest conversation with most of my family because I will always have to adjust my language and voiced opinions in a manner that is "non-offensive". I don't enjoy offending others. This is in large part why I flat out avoid it.
I don't really know why I'm typing this and can't really even tell if it feels good to release these thoughts. I don't even know if all these thoughts are really even mine. I should be sleeping. I was extremely tired. Now, who knows.
I find that I become uncontrollably tired during situations in which full communication is required. I will literally fall asleep while standing or sitting up. My eyes become so dry and so heavy that it becomes fully impossible to keep them open. My mind shuts down. My body shuts down. Most of the time these times involve a conversation about someone besides myself. Do other people just bore me? The way to wake myself up- change the subject. To something about me. How sick is that? Am I really that self-obsessed? It would appear so.
I've recently made one of the biggest decisions of my life and it seems I can do nothing but put up road blocks for myself. I start to move in the right direction, then I resist. Sometimes it seems completely within my control and entirely my choice to do such a thing and other times it seems I subconsciously create situations. I am the greatest inhibitor of my growth and forward progression. I like to see myself as fully committed to my cause, but I can't think of the last time I fully committed to anything and succeeded. I would like to be an entrepreneur and an artist and a writer and a web designer and a graphic design and a professional skier and a musician and a world traveler and the list goes on and on, but I haven't fully succeeded in any of those things. I'm starting to lose faith in myself.
I don't think I'm looking for pity or advice here. I think I'm hoping that by releasing my bullshit into physical form, I will free it from within and move on, but who knows. Maybe I'm just stirring the pot.
5 comments:
Here is a somewhat Kafkaesque though: Your problem is that, well, you're living in the US. Here, the social dilemma seems to be that you always have to put everybody else before you and work your ass off in an honest way because that's what a good American citizen is supposed to do. Well, "fuck that" I say!
First of all, we are all selfish, that's human nature and until you realize that and accept it as part of yourself you'll never be able to control it or be aware of it. Second, the impossibility to live up to the moral standards of this country (simply because of said selfishness) creates a sense of constant guilt and self-loathe. Guilt on its own turn forces you to put obstacles on the path you want to follow because you don't feel like you deserve anything since you're such a horrible human being. And that, obviously, leads you to 1) hating yourself and feeling guilty all the time for being who you are, 2) not being able to embrace yourself and any sort of psychological, spiritual or even physical freedom.
You don't need a self help book to realize that, you just have to look around and see that everybody here is just as fucked up as you are (or even worse).
We should all move to Africa and live with the aboriginal tribes. :D
Thanks, it's funny that we can find comfort in the fact that everyone else is just as fucked up(or worse).
Maybe I'll find an Aboriginal chief to give me some crazy opiates and teach me how to finally get over myself ^^
Your ability to express yourself never ceases to amaze me.
I know that you have heard me say "Always be true to your inner self." After reading this blog, I think you are still trying to find that "inner self." You are on what I call a 'searching path.' It is good. It is very much like the hikes you have been taking. Some parts of the path are easy and make sense, others are simply difficult but still make sense. It's when you find your self off the beaten path and it is NOT making sense that you know how to simply turn around and get back to where you want to be. Sometimes the path takes you to incredible and unexpected sights and you take it in and never forget. Other times it may be uncomfortable or even a bit frightening. Your awareness of your surroundings heightens and you take it in and you never forget.
Regardless of where you are on this "life searching path," YOU always learn about yourself and others around you.
Let go Josh, and enjoy the journey. Get out of your head a little and back to your heart....I know that is a challenge for you.
Don't ever worry about what your family may think. We are ALWAYS there for you.
I am going to email you a poem that has had much meaning for me over the years. But in the mean time here's a good saying by Mahatma Gandhi that I really like.
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Stay on the path Josh, and you will find that harmony.
I know you weren't asking for any advice here.....but hey, I'm your mother. You are awesome!
Years ago, in the basement of your house, I described the process by which you interpret and then respond to information. I always prided myself of that little insight.
I would like, if you may, to break down your posted writing.
First. Developing a gift does not seem like a problem, nor does it appear to be the problem you face. The real problem seems to be your "Addiction with self improvement." I believe this is something that has happened to me. It began to affect my every aspect of my life. The problem is while finding the truths of reality you tend to begin to see and comprehend some serious fucked up twisty shit. Some stuff is so incredible it's like magic. And that's when it happens. When you begin to see reality as magic. When you see things and don't know if they are real or illusion. When you begin to see acts of synchronicity as acts of magic or pure fate. When you begin to see reality as too magical that you worship it.
You want to the know the difference between the man that lives his life bullshitting to the world, and the man that tells the truth to the world? The man telling the truth knows that he is lying sometimes, and the man bullshitting doesn't know when he tells the truth. Would you rather be ignorant of the truth's you do speak? Or know the guilt of your lies?
I think one of the issues you are experiencing, that is hindering your self progress, and in affect your life; is you are mixing the ideas of truth and honesty. The way you feel when your mother folds her arms around you and hugs you tight. Her cheek against your neck. The memories it brings of her holding you when you were a kid, the unquestioning safety you had in your parents arms. That's honesty. That emotion that you cannot question, that is just there. That is true honesty. Truth is the fact that at any moment any amount odd occurences could have brought your parents to an untimely death, making that feeling of safety an illusion. So the truth is your feeling of safety was a perceived illusion. The honesty is that had that illusion been taken away. You would still, for all of your existence, know what it was like to be held in your mothers arms, and know the unquestionable safety of being in your parents arms.
Honesty is what you do with your heart. Honesty is the emotion behind the words. The emotional truth behind the action. Being honest is following what your heart tells you, following how you feel about something. Following the path you feel connected too.
Truth is a perceived fact. Truth is that this path will not lead me to financial freedom. It is logical and finite. In the end, i think truth is the glass, and honesty is the water. Truth is the boundaries of the world, and emotion and honesty is the substance that fills those boundaries.
If you focus so much on truth you will see honest emotion distorted through the glass. If you focus on honest emotion you will see a world skewed and magnified. If you look at it from the opening at the top, you will see a world and substance working together to form a cohesive idea. A glass of water.
I hope that last part was not too abstract <.<
Basically if you are having trouble being honest focus more the truths in your life. Such as you have family and friends that love and support you, no matter what. You are a great friend despite the fact that everything you do is for your self! I can't beleive you bought me subway for yourself!
Second. Haha that was a long first. Every single person does everything they do for themselves. It is the truth of us. We all want to live. Why do you think john conner took terminators hand? In the end, if you think about it, everything we do is to simply re-affirm our existence. Everything else in the universe exists, so that everything else knows that it does too. Why do females exists? So Men know they are men. Why can we see black? So we know what white is. Why is a cat a cat? So a dog is a dog. Why do you want to be the "fucking hero?" So your not the "fucking loser." No one wants to be the loser, everyone wants to be the hero.
The problem is we all want to be the hero of everyone else's story. When in reality we can only possibly be the hero of, and in fact are, our own stories.
So I got something to say. Stop trying to be my fucking hero dude! You could never live up to the status of hero I already hold myself up to in my own life. I am awesome and powerful and super hairy manly like. You are nothing close to as heroic as I am to myself! So stop trying! And no amount of subway or coffee, though appreciated it is, will get you to the echelons of near godhood that I see myself as.
I run short so i must leave, but I leave you with this.
If you really want to find yourself, look in a mirror. If you really want to know yourself, record yourself talking about yourself and play it back. If you really want to be yourself, do both at the same time until you laugh at yourself. In that moment of laughter, take a picture of yourself.
Hope some of this incoherent babbling helped XD
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